Out of the Bedroom
by Brunette
Summary: [one shot] He motioned her closer and whispered: "I have screwed every woman in this room." [rated for language and some crass-ness.]


_**Author's Note. **Whaaat? This isn't _1925!_ I know, it's shocking that I would dare write anything else right now. _

_I have a tendency to create OCs for stories as needed. I noticed recently on my profile that the stories I have listed as congruent with each other (and the movie) have these female OCs who could totally be existing simultaneously...and maybe have a run-in? I thought it seemed hilarious, anyway._

_If you're unfamiliar, Kitty Warszawski is from_ A Good Time_ and _The Warszawski Hustle_ (look at her, with her name on a story and everything!); Vera Elders-Bay appears in _The Wasteland_; Siobhan O'Connor/Hava Azouly is in_ A Drink They Cal Loneliness; _and Gretchen Fagan is in, like, a dozen stories...but her first appearance was in _Tramps and Thieves_._

_**Disclaimer. **The characters of _The Mummy_ and _The Mummy Returns_ are the property of Universal Studios. _

* * *

**Out of the Bedroom**

"Can't you do that in the bathroom?"

Kitty didn't even glance away from the mirror she was holding only a few inches from her face, her brow furrowed up in concentration as she snipped at her hair with the scissors in her other hand.

"Floor's uneven," she mumbled.

"So?"

She breathed a sigh and put the scissors. She looked at him with wide, accusatory eyes. _"So!_ You want me to have a crooked hair cut?"

Beni rolled his eyes and dropped onto the bed with a groan. "No one can even tell..."

"Oh, sure, I'm gonna take hair advice from_ you."_

He sat up, glaring at her in offense. "What is that supposed to mean? What is the matter with my hair?"

Kitty put the mirror and scissors down and turned to look at him, her mouth twitching against a wide, amused grin. Her eyes were laughing at him and she had to stifle a giggle, but she reached over and put a hand on his face.

"Ahh, _nothin',_ baby," she told him. "You look like a million bucks."

Beni swatted her hand away and crossed his arms over his chest. "It is hot here. This haircut keeps my head cool."

"Oh," she said under her breath, picking up her mirror. "So that explains it..."

"Explains what?"

Her wide, innocent eyes found his again. "Nothin', baby. You still got that fez somewheres?"

"Yeah," he retorted irritably, shoving his hand into his pocket and pulling out the hat. "I still have it."

Beni pulled the fez over his head and let out a loud sigh. He looked up at her with impatient eyes, but she was too concentrated on trimming up her hair to notice.

"Come on, Kitty, I am _starving..."_

"You're always starvin'."

He frowned. "What is your problem today? Why are you snapping at me?"

"I don't know," she mumbled, putting the scissors down and looking her hair over studiously in the mirror. "I'm due for Aunt Flo any day now."

It took Beni a moment remember that meant she'd be getting her period. She had a dozen weird idioms for that, and they all meant the same thing. He didn't know why she couldn't just tell him plainly, but Kitty seemed to enjoy doing things the most perplexing way. With a sigh, she put the mirror down and looked at him.

"Well?"

He eyed her hair and shrugged. "It looks fine. Can we eat now?"

Kitty put her hands on her hips and glared at him. "Can'tcha pay me a compliment just once? I put a lot 'a work into...this." She gestured at her body, which she dressed like a vamp - her skirt was too short and her arms were bare and she purposefully hadn't put any stockings on. She wore too much cheap jewelry and too much cheap make-up and everyone was going to stare at her. People always stared at Kitty, and she sauntered around utterly oblivious, as if there had never been a time in her life where they hadn't stared.

"Oh, my darling," he said, saccharine and sarcastic. "You are a dream! How I would long to throw you on this bed and make passionate love to you, only my body is _weak_ from _hunger_ - "

"Yeah, yeah," she said, giving his shoulder a shove. "We can go and feed you now."

Beni got on his feet happily, and they left the apartment; Kitty was barely able to keep up with his determined trudging in the high heels she was wearing. Beni threw open the front door of the tenement building, and ran right into a thin, dark man wearing an eyepatch.

"Hey!" he started to whine before he recognized the man. His eyes narrowed. "What the hell, Izzy?"

Izzy held up his hands. "Hey, sorry, mate. Can't see things to the left 'a me with the patch."

Kitty gasped dramatically and hurried over to him, taking his face in her hands. "Ah, Izzy! What happened? You get in a fight or somethin'?"

His face split in a grin, and he pulled up the patch, revealing his perfectly healthy other eye. "Nah. But you've proven my hypothesis, love, and I'm liable to keep it now."

Beni raised his eyebrows. "Your hype-eh-what?"

Izzy raised his eyebrows airily. "It's a fancy English word. Nothin' a man 'a your background could understand."

"So you are saying you don't know what it means, either."

Izzy rolled his eyes and changed the subject. "So what's the lot 'a you about this time 'a day?"

"We was goin' for lunch," Kitty told him. She giggled and gave Beni a nudge. "My fella here's too hungry to get it up, even."

Beni gave her a shove. "Shut up."

But Izzy perked up immediately. "Ah, lunch is it? I'm past due for lunch meself. Mind if I join you?"

"Yes," Beni muttered. But Izzy slapped him on the back.

"Perfect! I know just the place."

Beni let out a groan, but Kitty had already looped her arm through Izzy's, and they were trotting off in a new direction entirely. Beni hadn't wanted to go to some restaurant, where he'd have to pay. He'd planned on sneaking around the _suq_ and nibbling at this and that until he was full. He supposed he could let the two idiots go on their way to whatever place was on Izzy's mind, but he couldn't get away with as much in the _suq_ without Kitty. She had a way of distracting the vendors.

Anyway, he had come into a little money lately thanks to that German archeologist he'd just left out in the desert, and even though he didn't really want to spend it on some overpriced restaurant food, he could admit (however begrudgingly) that it was nice to eat a hot meal someone else had cooked.

Of course, he'd been getting hot meals for free whenever he felt like it for a while now, but -

"Here it is!" Izzy declared, pushing open the door for Kitty. Beni glanced at the sign he couldn't read, and vaguely made out a few characters that he thought were Greek. He'd done one short stint impersonating a priest at the Greek Orthodox church, but he'd gotten out of there quickly. Greeks, as a rule, were not to be trifled with.

The smell of warm bread filled the little shop, and Beni's stomach twisted with hunger. He could hear the voices of a man and woman working behind the counter. Without a thought to anything but his empty stomach, Beni pushed past Izzy and Kitty to the counter, ready to demand anything at all from the menu. He leaned against the glass display and said rudely:

"What is there to eat here?"

Both the man and woman behind the counter glanced up, but Beni only noticed her. He watched her dark eyes flicker with familiarity before her face became pale, and her mouth twitched. Vera didn't have to say a word for him to know that she was praying he wouldn't give her away. With a frown, he glanced at the man working next to her - a handsome Greek of about fifty - and wondered if that was the husband she always claimed she had.

"We have _moussaka_ as the special today," the man told him, eyeing him suspiciously. "It's three dollars a plate."

Beni scoffed. He knew the Greek had only told him that to be sure he had the money to pay.

"I will have that," he told him darkly. Just then Kitty bounded up beside him, taking him by the hand.

"Ooh, everything looks to die for!" she said, catching the Greek's eye and flashing him a flirtatious smile. "Just_ to die_ for!"

The man smiled; likely couldn't help himself, even if Vera _was_ his wife. Beni could feel her eyeing him curiously, glancing between him and Kitty like a pair of circus freaks. Beni met her eyes, but her attention was quickly pulled back to Kitty when she let out an excited squeal and started pointing at the display case, bouncing on her heels.

"Oh, what're them little powdery thing there?" she asked. "I want a hundred of 'em, and I don't even know what they are. Baby, ain't they the cutest cookies you ever saw?"

Beni glanced at them begrudgingly while the Greek chuckled.

"Those are_ kourabiethes_," he told her, pulling one out from the display. He held it out to her. "You want to try it?"

Kitty bobbled her head and opened her mouth; the Greek stared at her in surprise for a moment, but she kept her mouth open until he put the cookie in it for her. It was just then that a wide Greek woman with a stern face lumbered in from the back. Her jaw dropped, and she shouted, _"Nico!"_ before rattling on in fast, angry Greek. The man let out an exasperated sigh and retorted something, and the two of them argued their way to the back of the bakery, around the corner and out of sight.

Kitty giggled and gave Beni a nudge, but he was still watching Vera. She had her eyebrows raised and kept looking at Kitty as if she just couldn't believe the woman existed.

Beni supposed she _was_ a lot to take in.

"So about that _moussaka,_" he said. Vera met his eyes in something like irritation, but didn't say anything. She turned away from him calmly and went to fetch him a plate from the back of the bakery.

Kitty turned and gave Beni a devilish smile. "Let's take all that_ kour_-what's-it and go to the_ suq."_

"I have _moussaka_ coming," Beni whined. "We are already here, and I am starving..."

"You really must have the _moussaka,_ darling," Izzy put in. Beni turned and glanced at him in surprise; he'd never noticed that the man joined them at the counter at all.

Kitty snorted, crossing her arms over her chest and leaning against the display. "You just wanna eye up that brunette."

Beni scoffed. "Please."

Kitty's mouth twitched with an amused smile, and she glanced past him at Izzy. "Wasn't he starin' at her? I swear he was starin'."

Izzy shrugged. "Bloke's bound to stare."

Kitty blew a raspberry and leaned over the display case, attempting to reach over and into it for another cookie. "Nobody stares when I'm in the room."

"You can say that again," Izzy chuckled, eyeing her legs and the skirt that had inched well up her thighs. Beni shot him a look.

"Come on."

Izzy sniffed innocently. "What?"

"Aha!" she declared triumphantly, wiggling her way off of the display and holding up a cookie.

"Wouldn't it have been easier to just go around the counter?" Beni asked darkly.

Kitty ignored him and took a bite. "Damn, these're good."

"Apparently," Beni retorted. "Since you let that Greek put it in your mouth."

She giggled, flashing him a devilish smile. "Oh, he was a dream! I'd let him put _anything_ in my mouth."

Izzy let out a nervous whistle, and Beni shot her a glare.

"Holy_ shit,_ Kitty," he said.

"What?"

"We're in public," he told her testily. "People can hear you - "

Kitty finished off the cookie and put her hands on her hips. "Like who? No one else is even here."

"You talk like a whore."

Izzy cleared his throat obviously, nodding at the door of the bakery. "Some folks might be liable to take offense to that - "

Beni followed his gaze to the thin, desperate-looking woman who'd just slipped inside, her mousy brown hair tied up off of her head due to the heat. Her dress was plain and faded, and Kitty eyed her with a certain kind of pitiable disdain. Beni's stomach dropped as he met an all too familiar set of brown eyes.

She let out an aggravated sigh, "Christ, is there any getting away from - "

She stopped short, just then noticing Kitty leaning against the display. Their eyes met for barely a second before Vera reappeared with a plate of_ moussaka._

"Hello," she said carefully, glancing over the newest customer with recognition in her eyes. "It's Gretchen, right?"

"Yeah. I just want a coffee."

Vera nodded her head slowly, glancing at Beni out of the corner of her eye before saying, "Nico had some extra _pastitsio_ left over yesterday; he told me to save it for you."

Gretchen's mouth twitched, a surprised expression coming over her face. But Beni, with a plate of _moussaka_ in his hand and no fork to eat it with, was irritated.

"Hey! If there is something free here, I want it."

Vera shot him a look but didn't say anything.

"I'll just have the coffee, thanks," Gretchen said pointedly, glaring at Beni out of the corner of her eye.

With a sigh, Vera slipped to the back of the bakery again, and out of sight.

"How the hell are you getting free food here?" he demanded, too hungry and aggravated to care if Kitty could tell that he knew Gretchen.

The prostitute let out a terse sigh and crossed her arms over her chest. "It's called being fucking destitute."

_"I_ am destitute!"

"Yeah, and whiny as hell about it," she retorted.

Kitty eyed her curiously, cocking her head to the side. "Who are you?"

Gretchen opened her mouth, but her response was stopped in her throat as the front door opened again. Beni let out an impatient sigh and glanced towards the front of the bakery. As soon as he recognized the two people strolling casually to the counter, he seriously considered sneaking out of the restaurant and eating the _moussaka_ with his hands in the alleyway.

It would have saved him the trouble of kissing O'Connell's ass, trying all the while to decipher whether Siobhan had told her "brother" what had happened between them several months ago, before Kitty grabbed a hold of him at that liquor store and refused to release him.

"O-O'Connell!" he said, high-pitched and nervous. "What a pleasant surprise!"

Rick frowned, glancing between him and Izzy and the women. "I didn't know you guys liked Nico's."

"Bloody love Nico's," Izzy piped up.

"Who's Nico?" Kitty asked.

Beni turned and stared at her in half-lidded annoyance. "Come _on_, Kitty. You had his fingers in your mouth five minutes ago."

She giggled. "Oh! Guess I didn't catch his name."

Beni rolled his eyes, ready to retort something, but Vera returned just then with a cup of coffee and a package wrapped in wax paper. Gretchen stepped up to the counter and pulled some change out of her pocket, and Beni just caught the end of Vera telling her to "just take the _pastitsios_ in case..." Gretchen sighed and took the package and her coffee and found a seat in the corner by herself. Beni glared at her and her free food for a moment before turning back to Vera impatiently.

"Do you have any forks, or do I have to eat this like a dog?"

Vera let out a sigh and gave him a look, but she found a fork somewhere behind the counter and handed it to him. He snatched it out of her grasp and dug into his food immediately, too irritable and nervous to care that she was staring at him disapprovingly. He was vaguely aware of her turning her attention to O'Connell and asking for his order; just then he noticed that Siobhan had been doing a poor job of trying to glance at him discretely. He met her eyes and shot her a glare, and she looked away from him airily.

Beni caught sight of Gretchen eating by herself again and grumbled a sigh. He stomped over to her, even when Kitty called after him suspiciously:

"Where're you goin'?"

"I am not going to stand and eat like I am in a bread line," he retorted, and dropped into the empty seat across from Gretchen.

She glared up at him angrily. _"What?"_

With his back to the counter, his eyes became wide and pitiable, and he stared at her desperately. "Help me."

Gretchen stared at him in disbelief. "What?"

Beni rubbed his face and glanced over his shoulder at the counter, where Vera was taking Siobhan's order and Izzy was explaining _moussaka_ to Kitty. He met O'Connell's curious gaze and quickly retreated back to Gretchen. He motioned her closer and whispered:

"I have screwed every woman in this room."

Gretchen stifled a scoff. "So...what, you want a medal or something?"

Beni gazed at her helplessly and whined,_ "Gretchen..._what do I do?"

She gave him a puzzled look. "Nothing...?"

Beni breathed a nervous sigh, casting a glance over his shoulder again. "Kitty is stupid, so she will not figure it out, but Vera is smart. What if she will not let me back into her apartment because of Kitty?"

Gretchen let out a bored sigh. "Let me know when you get to the part that I'm supposed to care about."

"It was just that one time with Siobhan, but she got so attached - "

"Don't worry. Your charm wears off fast."

Beni shot her a look, and she met his eyes evenly.

"I really need Vera's apartment," he said, nervous and whiny. "People know where I live. I cannot afford to go see you every time I need a place to hide out - "

Gretchen's brow furrowed in curiosity. "Wait. Which one's Vera?"

"The one who works here."

Her eyes widened. "You are _not_ screwing her."

"I am, as a matter of fact," he retorted.

Gretchen glanced past him to the counter, looking Vera over skeptically. She looked at her pretty face and her clean clothes, and saw (or remembered seeing once) the wedding ring on her finger. She frowned skeptically and looked back at Beni.

"I don't believe you. I'll buy the slutty blonde and even the mixed girl, but you're making up Vera."

Beni glared back at her defensively. "I am not."

Gretchen scoffed. "Prove it."

"How am I supposed to do that?"

She shrugged and took a sip of coffee. "I don't know." She leaned forward in interest, glancing up at the counter as Nico finally returned from the back of the bakery, looking weary and annoyed.

"Hey," Gretchen whispered. "Is Vera screwing her boss?"

Beni frowned. "What?"

"Well you'd know that if you were sleeping with her, wouldn't you?"

He took the last bite of his _moussaka_ and snorted dismissively. "No, I would not know that."

Gretchen sighed, watching Nico put a hand on Vera as he slipped past her to the oven. "Well, they _should_ be screwing. His wife is a pig, and they'd make a beautiful baby."

Beni rolled his eyes. "That's sweet. I'll tell her the whore her boss gives food to out of pity says so."

She turned and glared at him. "What did you want my help for, again?" she demanded.

Beni let out an agonized groan, reminded suddenly of his uncomfortable situation. "I don't know, just - "

"Whatcha doin' over here, baby?" Kitty's bubbly voice piped in. She'd suddenly appeared at their table, a steaming plate of _moussaka_ in her hand, and he glanced up at her with a guilty grin on his face.

"Oh, nothing," he said innocently. "I was just catching up with my, uh...sister here."

Gretchen's jaw dropped, and she glared at him in angry disbelief. Kitty's delighted squeal drowned out any protests she might have come up with:

"Get outta town!" she said, giving Gretchen a playful shrug. "I didn't know Beni had any relatives here! God, I shoulda guessed it, though! You's two look just alike!"

"We do not," Gretchen muttered.

"Oh, but your English is so much better'n his!"

"Yeah, well," she said, her narrowed eyes never leaving Beni. "I had to work pretty hard, but I hated sounding like a whiny pain in the ass all the time."

Beni shot her a glare.

"Ooh, but you'll have to come over for supper sometime!" Kitty said gleefully, setting her plate down on the table and nudging Beni.

Gretchen's mouth gaped. "Um - "

"Well c'mon, sweetie, am I s'posed to just stand here?" Kitty asked, nudging Beni again.

"Go get a chair."

"I don't want a chair. Scootch already!"

Beni grumbled a few Hungarian curses and let her slip into his lap. She took a bite of _moussaka_ and grinned at Gretchen.

"You'll just _have_ to come over for supper sometime," she said again.

Beni let out an impatient sigh and asked implicatively, "Where did Izzy go?"

"Oh, he's sittin' with that hunky American and his sister."

"They're not related," he muttered, but Kitty ignored him.

"Shit, I gotta pee," she said, and giggled, glancing at Gretchen. "That's always the way - is that the way it always is with you, too? Finally get my food, and I take the first bite, and BAM, gotta pee. I'm gonna find the girl's room in this joint."

Kitty hopped to her feet and skipped away, and Beni let out a groan. He gazed desperately at Gretchen, but she didn't look the least bit sorry for him.

"Do you see what I have to deal with?" he lamented.

Gretchen took the last gulp of her coffee and stood up. "Okay, so I'm going to go - "

_"Gretchen,"_ he whined. "You can't just leave me here!"

She raised her eyebrows, a puzzled expression on her face. "What? I came all by myself to have a cup of coffee in peace. You came over here crying about your problems..."

_"Gretchen..."_

She rolled her eyes and picked up her _pastistios_. "Tell your girlfriend I'm gonna have to raincheck supper."

Beni glared at her, but she only flashed a smug smile. "I'm going to start charging you extra."

_"Why?"_ he demanded, whinier than ever.

Gretchen leaned forward, an impatient glare on her face. "If you can trick all of these women into letting you screw them, you don't need me."

"But I _do_ need you!"

"Then you'll pay me more," she retorted darkly.

Beni crossed his arms over his chest petulantly, grumbling, "I don't want to pay you more."

"Then screw one of these women for free. I don't care. You're a pain in my ass."

He stood up, leveling his narrowed eyes at hers. "Fine. You've been getting lazy, anyway."

Gretchen scoffed and turned on her heel, storming out of the bakery without another word. Beni glared at her back until she disappeared from sight, too irritated to notice the thin form sidle up next to him. He didn't realize that he wasn't alone until he felt the quiet touch of a hand, and jumped.

"Sorry," Siobhan murmured, taking a nervous step back.

Beni's eyes widened, and his gaze flitted about the bakery anxiously, searching for O'Connell's hulking form. "Get away from me."

"Relax," she told him. "Rick went to the bathroom for a minute."

But Beni couldn't relax. He glared at her with wide, desperate eyes. "Does he know?"

Siobhan's brow furrowed up in confusion, and then she realized what he was asking. She shook her head.

"Good," he muttered, too agitated from the curious situation he'd found himself in to calm his tensions.

"I just wanted to tell you," she said cautiously, staring at him with her strange eyes, "I did end up finding my mother."

"Did you whore yourself out to a Jew for a Star of David again?"

Siobhan pressed her lips together and shook her head. She stared at him a moment longer, and told him quietly, "You were wrong. My mother did want me."

"Well, congratulations," he scoffed.

She reached over and touched his arm. "I'm very sorry...I'm sorry you've felt like no one wants you," she said; the words fell out of her mouth awkwardly, but they were warm.

The sentiment was lost on Beni, who could only snort, "If anything, I am feeling a little _too_ wanted right now - "

"You didn't eat any 'a my _moussaka_, didja?"

He couldn't help but groan at the sound of Kitty's voice. She dropped into her seat and picked up her fork, and might have glanced between Beni and Siobhan curiously before turning her attention to her food.

Siobhan's hand drifted back down to her side, and she offered Beni a sad smile. "I only wanted to say goodbye. My family is going to America - "

"To New York?" Kitty interrupted suddenly, an excited grin on her face.

"I think so - "

"Oh, you gotta see New York," Kitty said with glittering eyes. "There's nothin' like it! Greatest city on earth."

Siobhan nodded her head, her gaze straying back to Beni. But he was hardly in the mood for any kind of heartfelt farewells, least of all from a woman intent on reminding him how horrible his family was. He glared back at her tersely and she took half a step back. She opened her mouth, probably to say goodbye, but the word never made it to her lips. She smiled sadly again and left him, returning to the table where Rick had rejoined Izzy.

Beni let out an impatient sigh and glared down at Kitty.

"Are you about done with that?"

She swallowed a bite of_ moussaka_ and glanced up at him quizzically. "What? I just sat down..."

"I'm going home," he told her, and stalked off before she had a chance to protest. He slammed the door of the bakery behind him, at last feeling a small trickle of relief to be out of the presence of those women. He didn't really know why he was so bothered by seeing them all there; he might have thought he would feel smug and amused, eating his lunch amongst four women who never knew he'd bedded them all. Instead he just felt nervous and guilty, like he was picking his way through no man's land and at any minute, a mine would explode under the weight of his foot...

"Hey, Beni!"

The sound of his name made him startle and instinctively walk faster, but he slowed a moment later when he realized the voice belonged to Izzy.

"Hold up there, chap," Izzy said, catching him in a few long strides. "Where's it you're off to?"

"My apartment."

"Ah, good, good," Izzy said. "I was meanin' to ask, I come up your way in the first place to borrow that lock pick. You still got that handy?"

Beni nodded his head distractedly, trudging on as brisk as ever. Izzy frowned at him curiously, and jogged to keep up.

"What's ailin' you, eh?" Izzy asked. "You steal somethin' in there?"

"No - "

"'Cause if ya did, I'll not rat you out. I just don't wanna be an accessory when they come about lookin' for you - "

"I didn't steal anything," Beni told him pointedly.

"Alright then," Izzy said, though he didn't sound convinced. "Just ease up a bit, would you?"

Beni didn't want to slow down. He kept up his pace and said in a dark, irritated voice, "I screwed all the women in there."

Izzy nodded, glancing at him in something between puzzlement and incredulousness. "So...what, you want a medal or something?"

Beni rolled his eyes, and they continued on in silence for a few minutes before Izzy started to seriously consider the full implications of Beni's statement. His jaw dropped, and he took hold of Beni's elbow, jerking him to a halt.

"Hold up," he said, staring at Beni in wide-eyed amazement. "You mean_ all of 'em_, all of 'em? Rick's sister, too?"

"They aren't related," Beni retorted, and then sighed. "Yep, her too."

Izzy shook his head. "Does O'Connell know?"

Beni stared at him. "Are you kidding? Of course not. He would kill me."

"Suffice to say," Izzy muttered. "All of 'em. You'll have to tell me how that's come about."

Beni sighed and started walking again. Izzy trotted along beside him, but a moment later he grabbed Beni by the elbow and yanked him to a stop again.

"Hold up!" he said again. "You mean to say that big beast of a Greek woman, too, eh?"

Beni rolled his eyes. "No, not that one."

"Oh," Izzy scoffed, _"well._ 'S not so impressive, then. Call me when you've shagged _all_ of 'em."

**end.**


End file.
